Sunday, September 19, 2010

I'll feel you the rest of my life

It hasn't been quite a year since my sister Bonnie's death but the anniversary of certain events that led up to that untimely and tragic event have come and gone. I've had some dreams lately about my sis. The one I had recently was pretty awful to wake up from because in the dream I was experiencing an extreme joy of having found her alive. By whatever miracle that dream logic follows, my sister was there waiting for me. Somehow, in the dream, she had got lost and forgot who she was, finally remembered who she was and we found each other. I can't describe the joy that I felt. It was like something removed me right out of this miserable husk that I've been enduring ever since.

Who I am has changed. I don't know what I am anymore. I came across an old picture of my sisters surrounding me right before I was to set off for my mission to England. Bonnie was behind me on my left side caressing me. A lot of my faith came from looking at her and the way she looked at me in return. That caress and others like it were the things that kept me going. It just goes to show you how bad addiction can be that those moments a year ago between us weren't enough to turn things around. The terror in her eyes from those helpless moments is ever present in my memory. I was fool enough to want something or someone to stop it all and relieve Bonnie, my family and I of the responsibility. Someone did, but not in the way that I had wanted. I wonder if it was what she wanted.

It has been almost four years since I've written any songs. I was beginning to think that music was over for me and that dealing with the equipment end of things was my consolation prize for giving it a shot and realizing that it was all just good fun. I broke that spell this weekend. I wrote a song for my sister and sung it to her--I felt that she heard. It just about damn near killed me to actually do it and I don't think that I would ever have it in me to ever share it with anyone else. Something so personal reaches such a sacred level that it is only meant to exist in the temple of the moment.

My heart goes out to someone who knows\m/


vera said...


jason said...

This is a beautifully written post. I'm sure your sister appreciates you keeping her in your thoughts wherever she may be.

Be well Grunt.

rawbean said...

Thank you for sharing this post. I'm always amazed when bloggers can talk about these life altering events and losses in their life. Reading your post makes me realize what's important and that I need to appreciate my loved ones every day.

You are truly a strong person and I hope you continue to share thoughts about your sister.

Jules said...


We never really lose the people we love, they come and visit us like that all the time.

Christielli said...

This is an awesome post and I feel blessed to be able to read it.

I am so glad that you were able to sing that song for your sister and I know that she heard it.

Take care.

Lindsey said...

We are coming up on the 4 month anniversary of losing my Dad. It's still very raw and I completely understand how you are feeling.

Congratulations for being able to write the song and make a connection. I hope to god that one day I'll be able to connect too...

Sun Follower said...

I am incredibly moved by this post, Grunt. Having lost my father a few short months ago and my mother being ill, I can relate. Your dreams are siginificant... when you dreamed someone who passes I don't think they exist only in your thoughts, but resurface to remind you that theyare in your heart.