Monday, July 26, 2010

Attention please

No, really, I need your attention. I thrive off of it. I'd make a video of me juggling if I knew how to juggle. I could throw shit at old people if you want. Suggestions?

Don't you just love those "How's My Driving? Please call: #####" bumper stickers? I love thinking of alternative versions of this sticker. How about this: "How Am I Driving?" I like this because it isn't quite clear if the person is asking how good of a job they are doing driving or if they aren't sure how exactly they are driving the actual car--it's a total mystery what is happening. The next best one would be "How Am I For Driving?" This is one that would go well on an immigrant's delivery vehicle. My favorite one is, simply, "I'm Driving?" I would really want to know what kind of conversation I'd be in for when I made that phone call.

I often wonder if ants recognize me--you know, they are all like, "Holy shit, there he is! Run!!!" I would like to think so, and not that they just run away from me because I am just another large, moving object. I would make a great ant god, me thinks.

I am not sure that one should have all their dreams come true. If I did, then I would riding a metal bucket down a steep road while dodging creepy crosswalk-sign people (the ones made out of geometric shapes). I really need to stop eating spoiled food before bedtime.



Christielli said...

lol How am I for driving? made me laugh. That's a funny sentence.

Julie Schuler said...

My husband juggles. A lot. It's irritating.

jason said...

When you say "shit", do you mean throwing actual shit at old people? Or do you mean it figuratively?

I think I'd watch both.

What if you were driving while throwing shit at old people, and asked them one of your variations on the driving question after you finished throwing stuff?

I'd like to see you juggling behind some midget rage on old people, or just random people. Make that happen.

Jules said...

I love your outlook on the whole How's my Driving sticker thing. I think that you should produce your alternates in mass production. You'd become rich and famous for being so brilliant.