Sunday, March 28, 2010

Post #800 (at my own expense)

This is a momentous post. Too bad I don't have much to say. I was even having these really profound thoughts today. This is why I shouldn't blog when I am really tired.

If you all want to watch a really funny and extremely weird Japanese film from the late seventies, see Hausu (House).

I get no respect from the new lady tenants. They like to have their friends park in my spot. They give me these looks like I'm some kind of weirdo untouchable. And to think that I fixed their washer machine. Screw them! I'm going to unleash a raccoon in their place and hope that it gives them rabies. I'm then going to tell my neighbor's alcoholic 55-year-old son (of whom I'm quite fond of) that they want to play catch with him--he's quite obsessed with baseball, being quite the athlete in his day. The first time that he yells at them for being "too good for him" they'll promptly move out.

I'm convinced that it is me in many cases and not other people. Why else would they have happy lives and I am still just a "curiosity"?

Some days I want to live in the hills, away from people. This thought doesn't last very long because there are still plenty of people that I wouldn't want to be without in my life. I don't care how difficult and unappealing to the masses I become, I'm not ever going "full hermit". I just wish there was a permit that I could get to allow me to legally throw shit at people that annoy me.

It's easier to be left alone, now that my youth and good looks are gone. Seriously, I've done some comparisons to what I looked like three years ago and now. It is depressing. My reward for fighting so valiantly through these recent trials is to look like an overweight hobbit which suffers from gigantism. From now on I am confident that I will no longer be taken for serious consideration as a sexual object or for jury duty. I will now have to open myself up to the fetish community and start wearing flowing robes for comfort purposes.

After you are done with either laughing at me or pitying me, I am going to start getting myself in shape for hiking season. I've located my old Nordic Track skier in the storage unit of the damned and I have already ordered and received the necessary parts to fix it. I'm hoping to at least achieve a level of fitness that will get the old crazy woman at the bus stop to start noticing me.

I believe the term I have used in the past is "flupee" for how I have been feeling lately. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go catch a raccoon.

8 comments:

Sun Follower said...

Don't be silly - Jury Duty will have you!

:) Chin up... or chin-ups! I can relate, I'm needing to hit the ground walking off the months of "comfort food" soon or spend the summer indoors.

XO

Julie Schuler said...

It's probably just some left over winter 'puffiness'.

Christielli said...

Okay, the remark about jury duty really made me LOL. If I ever get a jury duty notice, I'm going to try the Dr. Nick Riveira diet to try and get out of it. Instead of bread, use pop tarts will be my motto.

But seriously, I bet hiking season will get you into fabulous shape and then you'll have to beat the ladies away with a stick. You should look for one while you are hiking...

Megan said...

Is it OK if we pity AND laugh at the same time? I think the two extremes sort of cancel each other out. I'm sure that to jury will dare turn you away. As far as a sexual partner goes... you could just pretend that you're married. Married people never have sex and always feel undesirable.

Logophile said...

ok, dude, you make me laugh.
I'm totally down with the racoon idea but no flinging poo.

Get out hiking you will feel better and look better and probably even taste better.
:p

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Hey, there's a dead raccoon at the end of my street. I'm sure he's pretty smelly by now but for you I'd be willing to put a clothespin over my nose and mail him to you so you can toss him in the snooty ladies' house. He won't give them rabies but it might be fun until you can catch a live one that will!

Jules said...

Neighbours can be so horible sometimes. Mine were taking my one parking spot as well so I tried to catch them but couldn't, so as a result, I left them a really nice letter explaining why I needed that spot for my Autistic live-in and they went absolutely BALLISTIC on my ass. I've never been sworn at up and down so many times in the span of 5 minutes in my whole life as the wife next door did to me the day I did that. Shit man. But they did give me back my parking spot... I like your strategy.

Pravin said...

neighbours suck!

Jesus could talk..the nearest person living next to his house was 5 kms away...its easy to love someone when you dont have to see them often.

chuck that racoon and flood their kitchen...