Sunday, February 28, 2010

The great lunch meat conspiracy (and other random crap)

Hot dogs and baloney, or bologna for the more sophisticated sandwich aficionado, are the same damn thing! The only difference is that one accidentally got flattened under some meat packer's boot and violĂ , baloney. I'm talking conspiracy here, folks, possibly of Oscar Mayer proportions. At the very least, we are at a Hormel level meat alert. These same corporations, or "Big Meat" as I call them, also think that they can pass off baloney that got peppercorns stuck in it as salami. Oh, the humanity! Hey, one other thing, why can't you peel off that damn red thing around my lunch meat? Sometimes I am too lazy to do it myself and I've ingested the ring on occasion. Was this the real cause of my cancer? I say, probably, with a chance of hardly, but "yes" all the same. It makes me feel better to think so. I still can't quit you. Stay gold and meaty for me, my loves.

On to other things.....

I am such a good, good boy. I did my taxes while I have been off of work with the nue moan yah! As for the pneumonia, I am better. I don't know how much better I need to be, but I am doing pretty damn fine. Work awaits: The Grunt needs his monkey job. Besides, if I am not there who will my boss watch work?

If I am going to be able to read entire novels again, I need to hire a helper monkey to poke me with a stick every time I start to drift off.

If you are a server/waiter and want to get bigger tips take this tip from me: limp.

Are you aware of the so-called reptilian alien master-race that has infiltrated the highest levels of society? Me neither, until I have had the time to waste on Youtube this past while. My advice to those who are in fear of these shape-shifting creatures: Befriend Eskimos and join the Polar Bear club. Remember, reptiles are cold-blooded and probably would not be involved in these social circles. If they did, just look for the person with the most coats on. Bingo! There's your reptile.

This has been your weekly blog post. This is Theodore Grunt the III signing off. Thanks for your continued support.

9 comments:

Julie Schuler said...

We call baloney jumbo. Well, I don't, but folks in the Pittsburgh area do. I like Eckrich Garlic Bologna best.

I need a someone to wake me up, too. I always fall asleep in my book.

rawbean said...

I bought some really good wine salami from Trader Joes - there were no peppercorns in there! Thank God cause peppercorns ruin a lot of things.

Christielli said...

Glad that you are better. You don't want your boss to get lazy without you around. :)

Jay Ferris said...

This is exactly why I buy bologna in bulk and roll it up onto hot dog buns. Thanks Costco!

Sun Follower said...

OK, confession: I buy Turkey bologna at the 99-cent store and feed it to my cats as an in-between meals snack - they love it. But I do trim the red ring thing.

Jules said...

Thank God you did this post. All along, I thought I'd gone insane because I've always believed hot dogs and bologne were the same flavor. But this makes me wonder... why does my kid love hot dogs and not bologne? It's the shape of it. Stick is better than flat, I guess.

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