Sunday, January 22, 2017

Recumbent Exercise Bicycle as Imaginary Friend

Sometimes when I am watching T.V. I am guilty of making commentary out loud to no one.  Recently I caught myself turning to the recumbent exercise bike after I had made such out loud comments, as if I needed its take on what just happened on the T.V. program.  At first I felt silly as I continued to catch myself making comments and looking for the bike's response. I felt like I was going crazy, but then something even more crazy happened.  

After some time, I began to feel as though the bike could understand me.  This bike knew what I was going through and how frustrated I had become with life, feeling left behind, professionally stunted, the struggles of being a white male, and generally none to good with the state of affairs in the world. It felt good to have something listen to me and my troubles, no matter how trivial they may be. Soon, the bike would appear in my thoughts and dreams at night.

These thoughts and dreams started out innocent enough but eventually got weird.  Here is the first and only significant exchange that we had.

Me: What? What was that? Who said that?

Bike: It is I, the all powerful Recumbent Exercise Bicycle.

Me: You can talk?

Bike: I can do many things.  I can change your body.  I make annoying beeping sounds.  My seat has the power to destroy asses. I know your pulse. I am stationary, yet everywhere at the same time.

Me: If you could talk, why are you talking to me now?

Bike: I chose to speak to you because I have a purpose in mind for you.  You seemed to lack a direction in life and expressed that you felt forgotten. Yet you did not vote Trump, despite so many white men feeling the way you did, and who ended up voting this man into the highest office of this nation. Why is that?

Me: Well, because he's an asshole that in the end only looks to serve himself.  I don't care how persecuted or how invisible I feel, a tyrant is still a tyrant and I won't make the world pay for my insecurities and hurt feelings.

Bike: That is precisely why I chose you for my purpose.

Me: What is this purpose that you have ordained me for, oh Recumbent Exercise Bicycle?

Bike: The purpose that I have designed for you is start to blog like a mofo.  Keep the people entertained, while being heartfelt and thought provoking.  It is going to be a long four years. 

Me: Do I get paid for this? Will this get me into heaven?

Bike: No. What? How the hell should I know? I'm just a fucking exercise bike. 

After this encounter with the bike I felt a renewed commitment to blog about shit, like maybe once a month.  The bike continued talking to me about certain other things, but mostly about Game of Thrones.  It really hasn't been that great, to be honest. The fact that no one else hears the bike makes me feel a bit scared. I wish the thing would just shut up now.

The End!


Vampiressrory said...

Aw, don't be scared, Grunt. Of course stationary bikes make great confidants, they never even seem to care what kind of state a person is in, they're just like "Come on, man! Let's get you feeling healthy and better about yourself!" They're so understanding! It's a wonder that no one thought to strike up a conversation with one before. They tend to get ignored or neglected, maybe it's grateful to you for being so thoughtful to include it, maybe it even identifies with you. However, my stationary bike has gone and broken on me and refuses to pedal forward any longer but will pedal backwards and only without any resistance. Does this mean that I've become too pathetic even for the ever patient and understanding stationary bike? Anyway, enough about me but I'll be looking forward to seeing you kick some ass in your newly acquired calling! The World Needs You, Grunt!

The Grunt said...

I have a comment!!! I have switched imaginary friends from the bike to ceiling fan, but the bike doesn't seem to mind, as I believe it is getting it on with the recliner when I'm not around. Anyway, I hope the world needs me:) I've been a bit glitchy lately and need to resurface.