I've been feeling a bit paranoid today. Why am I feeling this way? Well, it probably has to do with the fact that I think that people are on to me. The thing is that I'm really not up to anything, but I have people that used to be closer to me drop out of my life. It's like they are picking up on a vibe and subconsciously distancing themselves from me. Or, maybe, I am withdrawing from them. Whatever greener pastures that I see them drifting off to in my paranoia, I am not exactly protesting; rather, I lament the growing distance.
Someday I could serve some kind of purpose for them: a reference point and an example to buttress their reality at my own expense. At what point do the hands of friends and family close? They don't, really, but I've seen mine become wobbly and reluctant when I could not accept the reality of another. That person is gone now.
I checked into that person's reality and found out why open arms only led back to the reasons for checking out in the first place. So, I go about my reality forming carefully now. I watch and see who is trending on me and who is flaking. What matters is who is sticking with me, regardless of where my life journey goes. Because, I can't settle for comfort or for salve. I cannot partake of prosperity served in a dog dish, either. But, I also do need to get over myself and lighten up.
It's a balance that I am after. It's becoming more aware of the Dharma in the world, but not forgetting I'm a white guy who loves Jesus and shooting clay pigeons. It's allowing people to be different from me and still love them. Mostly, though, it's about allowing myself to be different from those that I love and not hating myself.
3 years ago