Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Those damn holes.  They keep getting bigger, deeper, and colder.  The holiday season makes the emptiness more profound.  I don't want to call anybody up and talk about it.  I just want it to go away.  It doesn't go away.  It just keeps getting bigger, deeper, and colder.

Maybe this is what getting older does to you.  It is inevitable to suffer loss and experience loneliness.  I see now that it isn't about having a "hole" in your life; rather, what do you do with the ones that you have.  Do you watch the edges crumble into the void all by yourself?  Do you throw those around you into your pit? Or do you build up barriers between you and your holes to stay out of them?  I say fill them full of water and go swimming, whatever the hell that means. 

I really don't know what you are supposed to do with those holes that never go away.  I'm talking about the holes or spaces left when people are taken away from you.  I know there are other types of holes, pits, and traps, but those are holes of a different nature.  Back to people, I guess I could imagine some kind of heavenly reunion and how great that would be, but then that would mean I was also dead.  I think I want to wait a good fifty years before that sort of thing happens.  So what do I do in the meantime?  

I need more good people around me.  That means opening myself to the world again.  Scary.  I didn't like the feeling when I opened myself up last time.  We remember pain too much, especially the last time we got hurt. I imagine at some point it gets better.  I'll work through this rough patch and find a way to make it better.  I need to improve at including other people into this process. 

Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving.  You Canadian have a great second Thanksgiving.


Christielli said...

By "you Canadian" do you mean me? ;)

Also, I'm sorry to read that the holes are getting you down. However, the way you've written this post is lovely, and filled with effective imagery. So A+ for that.

I can also empathize with what you mean by feeling pain when you open yourself up to people. That's happened to me a lot, but like a stubborn mule, I keep going at it. And it's okay.

Of course, there are people who never let you down and are always there. Those are the best.

Happy American Thanksgiving!

The Grunt said...

Lol! I forgot to make "Canadian" plural, but it might as well be singular. Heh, this is what happens when you abandon a blog for a long time. I am glad you are still here, Christi.

Jules said...

I'm still here and still Canadian, too. ;) Happy Thanksgiving, belated. Your holes are like my benches. How about filling them in with rewarding experiences one at a time until they aren't holes any more. Opening back up is so hard. I know what it's like to just retreat and be a loner, but it's no way to live. There's happiness and fulfilment out there to be had. Go have some. Be courageous and brave. *hug*