Thursday, September 05, 2013

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday!!!): When I was a pretty ballerina....

(Reading this post while listening to the music is recommended.)
I remember it like it was just yesterday. I danced in my room, a dance that only I knew. Wearing only a pink tutu and wrestling shoes, a fine balance of the genders represented there where no one would judge; well, my dad did after walking in on me. When we recall that moment it is known as the "awkward night of surprise". 

After our encounter in my room, my dad revealed to me his love of Baryshnikov. I replied "Really, dad? You like ballet too?" He came back, "Hell no! I loved 'White Nights', him and that 'ketchup'!"

 "Yes, son?" 
"Is it ketchup or catsup?" 
"I dunno. I prefer ketchup." 
"Oh. Well, somewhere I heard that they put more sugar in one of them and that's what made the difference. You ever hear that?" 
"I..I, well, yes, somewhere indeed. I believe it was in one of your mother's magazines. She puts them right there beside the toilet and I can't help but read them." 
"You know what dad?" 
"What son?" 
"I've read those magazines too. There's some pretty good ideas in them." 
"Yeah? Like, what kind of ideas?" 
"Oh, I dunno. It must be neat to be a woman, that's all." 
"Son, now believe me when I tell you this, being a woman is hard." 
"Well gosh, dad. I don't want to be a girl. I just think that it must be great to do lady stuff once in a while." 
"What kind of lady stuff?" 
"You know, macrame, trying on clothes, and talking shit about other women." 
"But you don't have to be a woman to do those things, son. Why, you and I could do those sorts of things together." 
"'Black Ketchup'!" 
"What's that again?" 
"Black Ketchup, it's got Worcestershire sauce and black licorice in it!" 

 Aaaaaaaand then we just started shouting at every one in the house, celebrating our victory of genius, broke a bunch of shit, then called the patent office.
The End!


Nessa Locke said...

That sounds terrible. Licorice and ketchup. bleck.
But I thoroughly enjoyed the music. That might have to be my new motivational workout music. I'll probably need to borrow your tutu.

The Grunt said...

The "Black Ketchup" thing is pretty outrageous, but I think my midnight comedic ramblings of family fiction need to be realized, dammit!

The song is strange, in that, you know that it is bad music, but you need to keep listening to it. I think it has something to do with my childhood, because, the theme from Hawaii Five-O was my favorite song. I couldn't get that one outta my head for decades. This ballerina tune, I'm sure, is something that I was subjected to at my grandmother's house.

Christielli said...

So there is a difference between catsup and ketchup? Who knew?

The Grunt said...

This is what my imaginary nerd friend, "Wiki Von Laptop", told me:
"Actually, both are derived from the Maylay word kechap and later evolved into various spellings. The early ketchup/catsups did not have tomatoes, but referred to any vinegar based sauce. I think the difference in the last hundred years or so is minimal."

Jules said...

LMAOOO!! That was hilarious! Yay for TIGF! But somehow sad, because as far as I know, you're not a billionaire?

Jules said...

I just realized you made the font pink on that post. Nice touch... *after giggle*

The Grunt said...

Jules, I wish I were even just a millionaire, or six-figuroniare. But I feel like a million bucks when I can make somebody laugh.

Logophile said...

You were so right.
My experience reading this post was 60% BETTER when I listened to the music as I read.

Golly, you sure know how to gay it up!


The Grunt said...

Logo, I think it's great that you know the percentage of how much better the post is with the music:)

Logophile said...

I had to call in my crack team of statistical geniuses and experimenters. We ran double blind studies and everything, it was totally scientific.
BTW, just so you know, your blog causes eye bleeding in some cases which seem to correlate to an excessively serious approach to life.