Friday, May 25, 2012

Lobster Hat and other things

There's this part-time employee where I work that defies all common sense as to why he still has a job, especially in this economy. I won't go into all the details of why he shouldn't still have a job, but I will share a few things with you that will bring some amusement.  He told some of us at work how he was overweight as a child. This wasn't exactly a stretch for us to imagine, since he's about 300 pounds. He shared with us a story about how the restaurant Red Lobster made him feel better about himself when he was a fat kid.  He fondly recalled that whenever his family went to Red Lobster, they gave him a "lobster hat" to wear. This made him feel special, he said. Well, it was a rather touching story. He ended with, "Yeah, they're my most favoritist restaurant in the whole wide world!"  He followed this story with this, "My sister-in-law told me about a job and I'm gonna apply for it. I'm going to work at a dog factory. Um, dog food factory. They don't make the cans there, but I think that they make the food that goes into the cans. It's a warehouse job. I don't think I'll like driving forklifts. I'm scared that I'll hit something. Do you think my wife will let me have a dog if I get that job?" This is what happens to Ralph Wiggam when he grows up.

Yesterday, I was doing some ongoing cleaning out of a storage unit of my family's.  A lot of my deceased sister's belongings were stored there and sorting through her stuff has been a job that I've taken on.  Occasionally, I will find something that will open my eyes to my sister's past. I was sorting through her book collection--flipping through the pages to find notes and such.  I was going through a new, unread book.  It looked to be something she intended for someone else; it was. A note inside read, "For my boyfriend Jack, who has no balls."  This note had me rolling in laughter. My sister's humor is something I'll always miss. I'm just glad that I got to hear her crack one out posthumously. (For those who don't know: Jack was her last boyfriend, who left her in a hard place--she was fighting a serious alcohol and prescription drug addiction in the last year and a half of her life, which ultimately claimed her. She had previous troubles with alcohol that we--family--were never aware of.)

People who ride ATVs are on my shit list. Why? Because they just are.  Well, some are and some aren't. The ATV is not to blame, it's the idiots who ride them.  I guess what I am trying to say is that ATVs are great at enabling idiots to reach places they normally wouldn't be bothered to venture, due to the effort involved.  This idiot delivery system minimizes the appreciation of distances and terrain covered. So, in other words, an idiot is not humbled enough by the exertion of bike, hike, or horse. They get to a place and wreck it like it is their own little garbage dump/playground.  This is why I am angry: the structures and/or places are full of litter, tagged with "gang" symbols, and going to ruin faster than normal. I understand the appeal of riding ATVs and I have enjoyed riding them.  But the idiot factor gets my blood boiling.  

My grandfather "Vern" used to tell me that it was WWII that ruined the wilderness.  He said that the returning GIs and other people bought up surplus army Jeeps and 4x4s.  This led to people traveling further into the woods than before; people who were not as appreciative of their environment. He would say that they brought the city with them and left it there to rot.  I listened to my grandfather Vern and now tend to leave the "city" behind me when I go into the hills.

Lobster hats for everyone!


Jules said...

I don't have a Red Lobster here, so I have no chance of getting one unless you send me on in the mail. I'd be so honored by that, that I'd take a pic of me wearing it and post it on my blog. We all could... it would be a bonding experience.

Going through your sisters stuff will be a very emotional journey. I'm glad she left some stuff there that makes you laugh!

I agree with leaving nature as you found it, or at the very least making the smallest impact on it that you can. We can't help wearing away the soil or a snapped twig here or there, but it's disgraceful to leave junk behind and gangs don't belong where nature is at it's finest. That's got to be a sin or something.

Megan said...

Mr. Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party, and I went there. Yay, my turn is over.

HA... Ralph.

Christielli said...

Oh man, that grown-up Ralph Wiggum is one funny dude.

Glad that you got some laughs while going through your sister's stuff. I would imagine it might be a hard thing to do, so thank goodness for comic relief.

You should totally go to Red Lobster this weekend.

The Grunt said...

Jules~ I'll have to get you a lobster hat.

Megan~ That's a classic Ralph line, lol! The thing that is really funny was that I didn't recognize it as Ralph at first and thought you had gone batty.

Christielli~ He's kind of both Ralph and Homer rolled into one. He's a site to behold. I really do need to get me a lobster hat now.

Jay Ferris said...

Thinking about the lobster hat guy makes me kind if sad, how food and puppies are the only things that bring him happiness. I want to buy him an ice cream cone.

Oh, and I will henceforth be referring to ATV's as IDS's. Thank you for that one!

The Grunt said...

Jay~ Ice cream and puppies is one of the better ways to a man child's heart.

Logophile said...

Grampa Vern was a wise man. May I suggest in the future that you keep your wilderness areas so full of trees that ATVs are of very limited use? It works for us out here.

Glad your storage unit task which sounds like it would provide plenty of heartache is giving you some smiles too.