Monday, August 16, 2010

Church: What's wrong with me?

Okay, those of you that know me know that I come from a deeply religious background. I always felt off of center when it came to religion, namely, church. I have no problem with God or Jesus. I have some problems with scripture. I have major problems with going to church. Oh, I'll go, but it isn't without me feeling like a cat getting a bath. Now, I've done some great things in the name of the lord. I served Him in England for a couple of years. To quote an Alice Cooper song, "I used to be such a sweet-sweet thing, until they got a hold of me. I've opened doors for little, old ladies. I've helped the blind to see." Well, the "they" is undetermined. Some would say that it is Satan, but I pretty much ignore him as I do with most people. I live a clean life and I really do feel close to God. So, why do church people think that there is still something off with me? To understand this you must know some things.

My church, The Latter Day Church of Momo, believes that there was a war in heaven prior to this existence on earth, and that if you made it to earth, then you were on the winning team. The war was Satan vs. Jesus. Satan wanted certain things which involved stripping ourselves of our free agency--we would be forced to be good-little God's children. Satan would then get all of the glory for this accomplishment. Jesus, being the older brother, was smarter and knew what side his bread got buttered and presented a plan of salvation that involved free agency. The glory would be given to God. Satan got all pissed off and got a bunch of people on his side and started shooting at us with lasers; well, lasers, and mostly persuasion to join him. Satan was able to get 1/3 of the host of heaven on his side. The other 2/3 of this host was saved and God was able to fit him with prosthetic legs. Yeah, no, well, the host was not a dude--it was God's spirit children. So, Satan's army was cast out of heaven down to earth, where he and his kind were to have a dominion of sorts and fake the fossil records in order to trick us into believing in science. What does all of this have to do with me?

Okay, first of all, I have found that Church likes to have me think that I have my free agency, but then it turns around and tells me that I have to do certain things. They seem to lack the confidence in Jesus' plan. Just tell me about it then let me decide. Don't keep coming over to my house and making me feel bad for really small stuff. This only makes me want to shoot you. Plus, if you are annoying me, church is the last place that I will want to be. Why? Because you will be there. For those of you that do know me, know that I am not a bad guy. I have been getting hounded lately for some very small stuff. When did all of this become a damned contest? Some people are church technicians. They prefer church and correlation meetings to everything else. I don't understand this at all. If heaven is as boring as church, then why would I want to go there? I just wasn't cut out for the starched life.

Well, I finally have come up with a reason for my inability to conform entirely to my church's demands: I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the War in Heaven. So, give me a freaking break, okay?

10 comments:

Brett Merritt said...

This is how I know we are related.

rawbean said...

Best line "I just wasn't cut out for the starched life."

I made a comment against religion to my dad once and he said "oh, we probably should have taken you to church more...." The funny thing is I totally remember him staying home while my mom took my brother and I.

I get embarassed in church (and its been a LONG time since I've been) because I just can't buy into anything that is being said.

Come over to the dark side!

Christielli said...

One of my fave Simpsons lines is when the family comes back from church, and someone says this is he best time of the week because it's the most possible time until more church. That's how I felt too as a kid, and I can't say I've gotten better as an adult.

And I agree with you about the silliness of people stacking so much into just attending a service a week, like that's the most important thing.

jason said...

Maybe there's nothing wrong with you at all. I agree with Christielli's comment. Service is just an expression of one's faith. Going every week does not make one more or less a believer in whatever it is they believe. For me, I try to go once a week cause it helps me feel connected as I tend to let the other stuff take over my life during the week. I find religion kind of fascinating. There are a lot of times when I wonder if I would still believe what I believe if I had grown up with parents who weren't Christian. There are a lot more Buddhists, Taoists, Animists and others in Asian society compared to Christians. From time to time I like to go with friends to other kinds of worship services/settings just to check them out. I have to admit Catholic mass has put me to sleep, but Passover Seder services are pretty interesting. Anyways back to the point. I think there's a definite line between faith/belief and religion. Once "rules" are in place I look at it more as an institutional religion as opposed to faith/belief. I think religion is a load of crap. If God gave us free-will (agency) then we're allowed us to believe what we want and worship how we choose.

vera said...

hahahaha
have i told you lately that i love you?
<3
/v

Julie Schuler said...

I was raised all free-range. I don't know how anyone could sit through a service, or believe anything in any religious text. It all seems pretty daft, to me.

Tys on Ice said...

all rubbish...according to us, the world is balanced on a turtle and the fucked up oil leak has killed the turtle..bigger thing to worry abt than jesus and his stupid war..

we need to revive the turtle man...u in?

rawbean said...

To answer your question (and I am referencing Girly magazine issue #2 from may 1994) - when the Cheesecakes went to Mars they burnt into thin air and turned into nothing (I though mars was hot, turns out it's cold - whoops, bad research as a teenager).

The last line of the story is "They should have tried Venus!"

The Grunt said...

Cuz~ Me, you, and little cuz still need to get together and see a movie or something.

Rawbean~ It's always good to hear a woman say that to me:D

Christielli~ That is one of my favorite Simpsonisms of all time.

Jason~ I would have to say that Catholic mass has a lot going for it visually that other services don't. I've attended some Pentecostal services where there was speaking in tongues--that was definitely not boring.

Vera~ Back at ya!

Julie~ Free range sounds tempting.

Tys~ I like the concept of the turtle. We got to take care of it, for sure.

Rawbean~ Lol! I like it.

Logophile said...

Grunty,
I love your new excuse.
PTSD is totally a good one for not attending. Become a free-range momo. Start your own fringe branch, and instead of doing the multiple wife shit you can just incorporate that thing called grace...
soooooo radical, hm?