My niece thinks that I'm special

So my family had a get together this weekend and my sister from Idaho was down with two of her brood. Her youngest likes her uncle Merhtiman (one of my secret names) and likes to play board games using "Emily" rules. We played "Life" and one of her rules is that you can buy people. I wasn't sure if I should tell her of the evils of slavery right then and there, but I figured that so long as the people she bought just rode around in the car with her, it was all right. Her other rule was that you could crash your car into stuff, so long as you had auto insurance. We did bury the dead, just in case you were wondering. I suggested that the dead could come back as zombies, but she didn't like that idea.

Our other activity was to watch QVC with the sound off and to come up with voice overs for the people selling the products. During one of the commercials a product was being advertised with this baby that had all these swirls of light and sparkly things dancing around it. She asked me what was going on and I explained that it was the baby of the future. She liked that idea and kept telling everyone about the Future Baby and what fine things its coming would bring. She then started on about the old man of the future and so on and so forth.

So, after all of this fun and adventure she tells me that I remind her of this guy she knows. I'm all like, "What guy is this, then?" I'm thinking that some old dude is hanging around her. She replies, "Well, Danny is in the third grade." This relieved me and I thought that I was in for the typical "We hang out at recess and he can ride his bike real fast" kind of thing that kids think is cool. Nope. So I ask her what this Danny is like and her reply is choice, "Well, Danny is mentally retarded and has seizures and he walks like this (starts walking with a spastic limp). "So, you think that I'm a retard, huh?" She countered, "No, it's just that you kind of look like him and when you laugh it reminds me of him." I guess she sees past his disability and sees us both as human.

Well, I am sure this comes from a good place, but I honestly don't know what to do with it. I must admit that as bewildered as I am, I find this freakin' hilarious. I love my niece.

Because I haven't anything to say, I present....BATMAN!!!

Church: What's wrong with me?

Okay, those of you that know me know that I come from a deeply religious background. I always felt off of center when it came to religion, namely, church. I have no problem with God or Jesus. I have some problems with scripture. I have major problems with going to church. Oh, I'll go, but it isn't without me feeling like a cat getting a bath. Now, I've done some great things in the name of the lord. I served Him in England for a couple of years. To quote an Alice Cooper song, "I used to be such a sweet-sweet thing, until they got a hold of me. I've opened doors for little, old ladies. I've helped the blind to see." Well, the "they" is undetermined. Some would say that it is Satan, but I pretty much ignore him as I do with most people. I live a clean life and I really do feel close to God. So, why do church people think that there is still something off with me? To understand this you must know some things.

My church, The Latter Day Church of Momo, believes that there was a war in heaven prior to this existence on earth, and that if you made it to earth, then you were on the winning team. The war was Satan vs. Jesus. Satan wanted certain things which involved stripping ourselves of our free agency--we would be forced to be good-little God's children. Satan would then get all of the glory for this accomplishment. Jesus, being the older brother, was smarter and knew what side his bread got buttered and presented a plan of salvation that involved free agency. The glory would be given to God. Satan got all pissed off and got a bunch of people on his side and started shooting at us with lasers; well, lasers, and mostly persuasion to join him. Satan was able to get 1/3 of the host of heaven on his side. The other 2/3 of this host was saved and God was able to fit him with prosthetic legs. Yeah, no, well, the host was not a dude--it was God's spirit children. So, Satan's army was cast out of heaven down to earth, where he and his kind were to have a dominion of sorts and fake the fossil records in order to trick us into believing in science. What does all of this have to do with me?

Okay, first of all, I have found that Church likes to have me think that I have my free agency, but then it turns around and tells me that I have to do certain things. They seem to lack the confidence in Jesus' plan. Just tell me about it then let me decide. Don't keep coming over to my house and making me feel bad for really small stuff. This only makes me want to shoot you. Plus, if you are annoying me, church is the last place that I will want to be. Why? Because you will be there. For those of you that do know me, know that I am not a bad guy. I have been getting hounded lately for some very small stuff. When did all of this become a damned contest? Some people are church technicians. They prefer church and correlation meetings to everything else. I don't understand this at all. If heaven is as boring as church, then why would I want to go there? I just wasn't cut out for the starched life.

Well, I finally have come up with a reason for my inability to conform entirely to my church's demands: I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the War in Heaven. So, give me a freaking break, okay?

I'm infected with robots