But the van is nowhere in sight.
Whatever "it" is that I've waited for, to settle all the scores, right the wrongs, and make all my dreams come true, it ain't a coming. Who is this Santa Claus of my life? Answer: God. I've made God into a caricature. I have to conclude that I don't know God well enough. I wouldn't know him enough to pick him out of a crowded room of other gods. What I'm trying to say here is that I need to reboot, repent, and take heed of what's really going on in the universe. It's me, not you God.
Well, that's quite the assemblage of profundities, coming from me: a person from such a lowly station in life. God will do whatever it is that God does. I can't stop that. So if California sinks into the sea, all I will say is "Well, that sucks". Maybe I have control over the small stuff, the stuff that I'm supposed to not sweat about. Yea verily, I will have to make my life better myself and not wait around for manna to fall from the heavens. If manna does fall down to me, I will look up and say, without any irony, "thank you".
Tonight I'm starting off fresh. We'll talk this through and see where we go from here, okay? I'm prepared to change and I'll start by not assuming I got you all figured out. I've certainly a lot of other people telling me stuff about you, like they got keys to your vacation home, or something; maybe they do. Like I said, I need to pay attention. I've shown up to the restaurant looking for my "blind date" and assumed it was the blond in the booth, when it was the brunette at the window table.
Sometimes I try to avoid being human, or feel like one. The past five years have taken their toll on me. I've just seen too many inevitable story lines playing out before me and it leaves me depressed. I guess my attempts to minimize the emotional impact of these future events has left me a tad dead inside. The biggest mistake one can do to their spirit is to deny it humanity.
So my confession to God and man, my great sin: I am a human being.
Moving on, I've had a couple of weeks to sit on this post. Parts of it still ring true and others seem to have passed. From old folklore, you have a character called the "Trickster". A trickster has been at play in my life, setting traps and playing around with the order of things. These acts of mischief seem malicious, but looking back, my trickster was trying to get me to pay attention to what really goes on in the world. I would dwell on the negative aspects of what I saw. This has spun me out many times.
I realize now that I have been given warnings, lessons, and different perspectives of life. I am responsible if I do not take advantage of it all. I am the one who will suffer if I do nothing. I am able, one way or another, to inflict damage, or to heal myself. One must choose to forgive and love oneself.
It is easy to see how frustration causes a temporary blindness to one's surroundings. Frustration can cause you to not see the forces around you that offer help or cause harm. I have done this frustration thing for too long; however, I know that I will never be without it as long as I live.
That light cutting through the storm clouds is where I need to set my course. There will be plenty of good and bad to go around, but I can't stop moving. Destination unknown, possibly, yet I will set sail and see what happens next.