Tuesday's Tips for Teens, featuring "Crazy Old Grunt" from an alternate reality

Yeah, I started playing around with my old Speak and Spell. I made it say watanassayahm three times while microwaving it on high. Don't ask why, just know that I am a genius when it comes to doing stupid things. What happened next was just amazing. I couldn't believe what was happening; like, it was some kind of apparition forming before my eyes. Then I heard a familiar tone of voice, different, but very much like my own. It turned out to be me from another dimension. The first thing out of his mouth was, "Where's the toilet? Don't you know that I am lactose intolerant??? I just had a huge milkshake fer chrissakes!"

I had him around for a short time and asked him to guest blog "Tips for Teens". I don't know how coherent it will be, so I will apologize in advance.

Crazy Old Grunt from an Alternate Reality:

Cigarettes are fascinating. I had a full pack the other day and they were all jabbering away in there all happy and shit. I figured that I shouldn't bother them, but I had the nicci's something fierce and just had to kill one off. I know that my younger alternate reality compadre doesn't smoke, but where I am from it is good for ya. I wanted to tell all you youngsters to smoke, but Young Grunt told me no way. Eh, fugk! But, you should have heard the screaming when I took their friend out and smoked him. Cycle of life, kids. It was a bit quiet in the pack after that. Now they are all against each other trying to survive. It makes me feel powerful.

Soda crackers make you feel better after a bad day, I find. Um, I like to pet my dogs (ten in all) and let them run around while I eat cheese curds and smoke pot and drink some bath tub gin. I live in a trailer, but not in a trailer park. I park my trailer next to my house. The house is where I keep my newspapers. Um, it is an okay life but prolly not something youngsters should aspire to, unless you like to live like a total vagabond! That is cool. Start talking to yourself out loud. That is usually a good way to kick off going totally mental.

Listen to your parents and authority figures. No, I mean there are hidden messages. You have to really listen good to hear them. You will find out that they are indeed conspiring to destroy you and take your stash away. I'm not kidding, dammit!

Never go to a dentist. Those dentists try to put stuff in your teeth that the government uses to keep tabs on ya. Lucille Ball knows what I'm talking about. She's still alive in my world. I'd tap that ass. Hey Grunt, that toilet needs to be cleaned. Where's my fugking milkshake, eh???

Me: "Well, you know that you can't handle your milkshakes, yet you demand to have one three times a day. You are mister lava shits when you get dairy into ya. Ugh! Okay. Okay."

Where was I? Oh, tonsils.....Hockey! Yes, you need to wear skates when making love to....no? Um, condoms??? Yes, if you need to make extra money, keep a pack of condoms around just in case you have a mule gig. It is how I was able to retire. Never in Turkey, though. Seen "Midnight Express"? "Oh, Billy!!!" Eheheheheheh!

Flip off as many people in a day as possible. Every time a person flips someone off a porpoise has an orgasm. You love porpoises, don't you? What in the hell is wrong with you that you don't like the fugking dolphins??? Where's my ciggies?

Ciggy #1: "Oh shit! It's that one guy again. Crazy mofo. Get...get away from me!!!"

Ciggy #2: "Nooooo, take him!"

Ciggy #9: "Would you guys please shut the hell up? I'm trying to sleep! Gosh!!!"

Ciggy #4 "Heeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeee! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

All the other Ciggies: "HAHAHAHAHAHA! Douche!"

(I am so sorry teens, really.)