A conversation about life with the Hillbilly Twins

I came across these two guys while looking for meteorites out in the back country. They (Larry and Tim) were using a half-spent plutonium rod to heat their cabin. Well, we can't all be superhuman, so I declined the offer to step inside and feel the "green heat". I found their little compound to be well organized and decided that there was more going on with these two than their looks. I started up a conversation with them out by their wood pile. We all sat on a log together shooting the shit. I'd like to share that with y'all.

Me (throws in a bit of the hillspeak): "Well, you two sure look fit. What'd y'all do for getting on top of that?"

Tim: "Ya see, there are things that are left untouched by the man. What ya have that is untouched is still fresh from the God's hands. Lord of Hosts, mercy me tenfold!"

Larry: "Yasum boy, ya listen now. Y'all partook of second hand goods what's gone thru the middle of man. We sup right from the teat of God's dairy cow. Whaddya s'pect with all y'all meddlin' with the nature?"

Me: "So, if I understood you two, the reason for your abilities to survive living in the same room with a hot plutonium rod is that God is serving you breakfast and supper. Right?"

Larry: "Some'd say yes, but I's say hell yeah!"

Tim: "The God, the Holy Ghost, and most of all the Jesus Christ over easy, toast with jam and butter!"

Larry: "Don' forget coffee."

Tim: "Well, that's from that Juan fella. He's Catholic, but I figures he's a'ight."

Me: "Changing the subject now, how much proper schooling have you two had? If not at a public or private school, then what?"

Tim: "Well, our nanny Jean raised us proper and clever enough. I mean, we's got a handle on where we's living better than any man."

Larry: "I 'member what ol' Jean tol' us about how shit rolls down hill and that's the reason we's all still keepin' ourselves upwind an' high like."

Me: "One of my favorite musicians, Captain Beefheart, only went to half a day of Kindergarten but was considered a child prodigy. At 13, he was offered a scholarship to study sculpture in Italy. One of the things that he has said is something that I try to live by, 'If you want to be a different fish you gotta jump outta the school.' What do you two think of that?"

Tim: "Now there's a bit o' sumpin' that ya can hang yer hat and yer coat on."

Larry: "Clever an' true. Jean's second man was quite the wise feller. He was half Chinaman and the rest o' him was pure Scotch Irish with a touch of Melungian in him."

Tim: "Yeah, he had the shovel teeth an' all."

Larry: "Now, I'm the one talkin' here. He was one o' them railroad worker/tent city whore bastards. He had on him the most innerestin' talking ways. Foreign, but no one's get him on the button."

Me: "What did he go by?"

Larry: "Lee MacConner, but we all called him 'Colonel Y'all-a-naw', 'cause he done naw jus' 'bout everthin'. He says to me one night, 'Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger' and then hits me o'er the bucket with a trout. He then says, 'That there's a rainbow's end of knowing, son'."

Me: "That's actually kind of gross. What did he mean by that?"

Tim: "I gots this'un. He means that y'all gotta take care of things before ya rest, 'cause if ya don't ya'll will wake up with that awful unfinished business sharing bunks with yer boogers."

Me: "That is very wise indeed."