Tuesday's Tips for Teens: Featuring Bob's "Big Boy's" dietary advice

Hello there teens. I have been away from some locations for a long time. Seems like I give out a bad image, but there is nothing wrong with being big boned. In fact, it can be adorable. Here are my recommendations for getting that sexy robust look.

1. Use pig fat as toothpaste. It smells like pig fat, and tastes great too! Who could resist that? Do I make you wet?
2. Put cheese slices in your underwear for fun. How does this help? Who cares! Yuhyee-yah!!!
3. Double cream milkshakes between meals, throughout the night, and on your morning cereal. It is fuktastique!
4. Get your mother to deep fry everything and cover it in mayonnaise and peanut butter. This is a great way to kill off pops and get his car!
5. Say a little prayer to God, asking him to give you that rolly polly holly butternut goodness. See, God has a soft spot in his vengeful heart for chubby kids. Remember, Jesus once said, "Suffer the little children, and give the fat ones more ice cream!"
6. Steak sandwich smoothies with whipped custard and potato skins. Can you feel your heart straining? That's a good sign. Keep going!
7. Take a whole loaf of bread and fill it with hard boiled eggs, giblets, bacon, and ranch dressing. Fry it, and then cover it in maple syrup. You will start to see little owls and cats talking to each other about pigs and shit. Take a hit off the old bong tree when you're done. It will help you start the cycle all over again.
8. Sausage casings. You know, people don't know just how good the casings can be. I like to make peanut butter and jelly sausages too. I am in league with Lucifer! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
9. Throat exercises. You can stuff more sausage into your mouth this way. What?
10. Lard 'n' Cheddar. You can spread the lard on the brick of cheese, stuff the brick of cheese with the lard, or take the whole wheel and deep fry it. Me, I just like to freebase it. Oh yeah, cheddar flavored bubblegum. That's one from our friend Grunt. That invention almost got him some sweet, sweet ass....In fact, he had to be put in traction for months from trying to fly off of his roof like Superman, he got so excited at the prospect. He was all, "Hey Mr. Big Boy, check this shit out. I'm about two hours away from flying onto a landing strip 'o' goodtimes--aw hell yee-yah. Wheeeeeeee, splat!" Heh-heh, when will he ever learn? Silly boy. Like the Trix Rabbit, he is. Like Jackie Mason, I talk!

(Brought to you in fast food orange!)