Tell me what you nose

Can you turn off the lights, wear oven mitts, moon boots, and get around a dwelling on smell alone? Can you identify people based on smell only? There is a lady at work that I can tell where she's been without any other evidence than smell. It isn't a rank odor, nor is it especially appealing, just an odor that is unique. Other than that, I have on occasion tried to lay back and take in the odors of my surroundings. In this exercise one must try to analyze all the different elements of the total olfactory experience. I can do this better with taste, it seems.

Laying down in freshly cut lawn is one that is easy. You can separate the lawn from the leaves, flower beds, and trees. If the lawn mower is nearby, then that is something that is conspicuous enough to be singled out. There is a difference in smell depending on the type of snow fall, I have observed. Wet snow smells, well, wet, and powder snow has a whiff of salty dryness to it, similar to the smell of an electrical storm but not as strong.

Anything petroleum has a distinct bottom end that is the common DNA, if you will. But, ninety-weight gear oil smells much earthier than regular motor oil. Used ninety-weight smells so unusually bad, it can actually make you gag--it is a real penetrating smell that grabs your gut hard. I am a connoisseur of mechanical smells. I can tell the difference between a light ballast burning out and regular electrical burn. I know the different auto fluid smells with precision. I know the smell of molten Zinc too well. I once got a blast of it in the face from a galvanizing gun and it made me very ill. I will never forget that feeling and that smell. Speaking of metals, coins have distinct smells, and tastes. Anybody else suck on pennies as a kid? I did, and I also chewed on lead fishing weights. Yes, there are numerous reasons for me being effed up around the bend and behind the ear, my friends.

I believe that wet wipes are essential to modern hygene. Clean it up down there, fer god's sake! As far as myself, good pit stick coverage and a neutral soap is what I tend to like. I have a body odor that does not need much embellishing. My skin hates cologne in heavy doses, so I stay away from that if I can. Generally, I tend to keep myself clean, and figure that my smell only needs a few accents. That is fortunate. Some people really need help with that. For example, anyone that smells like ass. If you have eliminated any outside factor for you smelling like ass, and still smell like ass, God must really want you to live a life of solitude. Also, those that choose to hide their ass smell with the Irish bath technique, please: You know, you are not making things better for yourself and those surrounding you. Ass and Brut should only be experienced in prison. Do us a favor and wipe.

A coach once told the class I was in about how to shower. This is important stuff, so listen up. After getting your body thoroughly wet, turn the water off (water conservation), then lather your body up with the soap. Let the suds from the soap stand for about two to three minutes. Think of something constructive to do with these few minutes. I figure you can think about lawn care, the mahogany bookshelf that needs polishing, or boat maintenance. Yes, there is a lot that you can think about while masturbating in the shower. Okay, you have waited for the suds to do their work. What have they been doing all of this time, you say? Well, the soap has been loosening up the dirt and oils from your pores, something that scrubbing alone will not accomplish without damage to the skin, and even still it will not do what our friend soap can do. You just need to give that friend a chance. So, you have let the suds do their thing, now you can give your whole body a scrub and then exfoliate with a loofah. Make sure to get behind your ears and up your crack. A fellow blogger, JJ Mc Fatty exposed me to the term "balloon knot" as a way of describing the asshole. So, people that stink of ass, get around that balloon knot a few times. Think of Mama Bush while you do that--it's patriotic! After all this you can turn the water on and rinse yourself 100% clean.

Holy crap! This post wandered around like it was God's chosen people running from the Egyptians to the promised land. Feel free to say anything about smells, good, bad, nostagic, whatever. Beautiful smells, mouth watering smells, erotic smells, how do you get your smell on? Could you live without smell? Even though there are plenty of bad smells out there to fuss about, what smells turn you on the most? What smells inspire you? I can tell you that women's hair is what I notice the most as far as smells that turn me on (all together now, "creep").