Ronald Mump

Once wasn't enough.  Not enough of?? Rabid letting of humors. Bile-stained American flags. Distrusting the other. Hatred. Bibles tailor made for today's "real" Americans. Disinformation. Lies upon lies. Cozying up to our enemies. Calling other Americans "the enemy within". The constant victim.  Up is down and dogs are cats. I could go on. I don't care anymore. I don't care about a lot of things anymore. I just go to work and try my best to take care of my family. If the world is going to end, I can't stop it. If this country goes to hell in a hand basket, I can't anything. I lack the ability to change minds, to debate, and to argue.  I see what I see and call it how I see it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. I don't want to die. I just don't want to live in this reality anymore.

I had what I found out later was a panic attack. I was walking around the street in front of the offices where I work, and the world became dark around the edges. Sound was that of muted gobbledygook. Everything that was the conscious me detached from my body. I was weightless. My vision was narrow, like I was looking at a projection that was a floating beach ball. I didn't feel any pain. I had to move my body in a way that felt like remote control. I didn't fall. I was able to grab a rail and ride out this episode. It lasted a good couple of minutes. After the dial got turned back up on reality, I went and sat down in a courtyard for a while, trying to recover and gather my thoughts. If what happened to me wasn't an indication of something terribly wrong with me, I would've preferred to stay in that state. 

This is dangerous because I have major depressive disorder. I have struggled with suicidal ideation for a good part of my life. While I am being treated by my primary care physician, a psychiatrist, and a therapist, the thoughts never really go away. I am just better able to deal with them, as well as the noise being turned down considerably. I still wonder, though, if being on the other side would be more pleasant for me. But that doesn't mean that I want to kill myself to escape this reality. I'm feeling overwhelmed and powerless--hanging by a thread. I need rescue.