Merry Christmas!!!

Tis the season where parents willingly let their children sit on some strange dude's lap. Enjoy!

I've actually been on the injured list and have been taking it easy. I threw my back out. Bleh. I wish I was more inspired at the moment. Well, have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The sun casts no shadow

I thought I'd try posting in-between sleeping, getting up, then going back to sleep. How's it going so far?

Understated overindulgences

I often wonder about why people hop on morality issues without actually checking shit out, and checking themselves. I think some people just want to be in on a crusade without using any critical thinking. Science proves that it is much more fun that way.

My state has finally got In'N'Out Burger this last year. The California chain is very welcome here and is usually crazy with patrons. So, my point in bringing this up is that I thought that it would be fun to do a chain restaurant mash up. You could take, for instance, In'N'Out Burger and Outback Steakhouse and get "In'N'Outback". Fun, huh? I will try this once more by mashing up In'N'Out Burger with Texas Roadhouse: "In'N'Out House". Something tells me that people would not eat there.

There's nothing like a good toe stubbing for coming up with new swearwords. This weekend I came up with "FUHCRAPASONASHITOSHITS!" I guess it was more of a creative combination. It isn't a swear word, but it is kind of dirty: "Roikle" is one that I made up once. Roikled (verb) means "To feel horny whilst being frustrated by an unrelated set of circumstances". You should try to out do me without using any critical thinking. Again, science proves that it is more fun that way.

Dropping in

Life: One moment you are staring at your feet while taking a crap, the next minute you find yourself actually carrying out what it was that was troubling you on the shitter. I'm not afraid to admit that my thinker works best on the stinker. I also do my best reading on the turrlet. I formed quite a bond with Holden Caufield while reading "The Catcher in the Rye". You know what the funny thing about me and that book is? I was told that the reason that the book was controversial was that it had a part about masturbation in it. This is really great because it doesn't. There's really nothing that controversial except swearing in it, swearing that was controversial in the '50s! So, the concerned individual was either high on Jesus weed or never read the book but was relying on the high moral ground of hearsay. The fact that I read some of this book while defecating makes this all the sweeter.

Yeah, this post definitely went places...weird places.

Gorbulon's Fairy Repellant

I'm pretty sure those combination of words in the post's title have never been put together. I just thought I'd share that with you.

Nordic foot hors d'oeuvres.

I went to the dentist the other day. The hygienist was scraping away at my teeth and her stomach started growling really loud. This kept happening and I was having a real hard time keeping it together. I wanted to laugh so hard that it was becoming torture. This really made me wonder what was going through her mind during all of that. I'm just grateful that she didn't fart. It wouldn't be the smell, so much as how I would just completely lose it and run out laughing.

Mindless chowdering.

I was listening to the radio while driving around and this commercial starts, "Do you want to please your dog?" I was starting to think that this was a Jiff commercial, then the next line goes, "Well, get him a new water dish for Christmas!" Really? Dogs celebrate Christmas??? This will please him? What if your dog is a bitch? Let's not be sexist here, people. I think all a dog needs is a good master and a decent carpet for butt drag racing. Dog's practice coprophilia for crying out loud! What in the hell do you think their reaction to a new water dish, aside from being able to drink out of it, will be? Maybe I just am not in touch with my inner Barfy. One thing I do know for sure, black labs celebrate Kwanzaa. So be sensitive, folks.

Diagnose agnostic frosting.

I was thinking of sending out wedding announcements of me and myself photoshopped together for time and all eternity. If I were a polygamist, then it would be me, myself, and I. This would most certainly help my social standing around here.

Suffer mother's underpants.

You know what? People in the olden days used to fear gods and try to appease them in order to make their crops grow. They were especially on edge when things were tough, and worshiped their gods with evermore fervor. They would tip-toe around, so as not to piss of the deities. This sounds an awful lot like the workplace, especially now. Just replace the gods with management or whoever your supervisor, or supervisor's supervisor is. That's right, kiddies, worship your Good Old Desk! Thanks for that one, Harry.



Did I just end this post on a bummer? Yeah. Well, how about one more nonsense word combination to cheer you up? Ok.

Hover monkey!!!

Winter

I am a native of Phoenix, Arizona. Winter does not exist there. Well, your nipples might get a little hard and you might have to turn on the pool heater, but you get my drift. Winter exists here in the high desert/mountain, whatever-in-the-hell-this-place is. I hate it. I'm too fat and old to ski. Well, maybe not. It's too damned expensive. Yeah, that's the one. I mean, where have all the good times gone? Answer: summer. I'd make a lousy Eskimo. I think my body type points more towards "albino Samoan". Ah, the South Pacific islands! Never been, but I hear they have coconuts. I'm a bit bananas in my coconut. It's not the same thing as being crazy. Trust me, I've looked into it. It was looking back at me, if you know what I'm saying. I'm sorry, you don't know what I'm saying. It's just that winter sucks and snowmen are frozen clowns waiting to get me.

Okay, no more half asleep posting for this guy.

Sister

This is one of my favorite pictures of my late sister Bonnie. She is holding our nephew Robert, who is now a teenager. She wanted to have kids of her own but it never did happen. However, she helped out a ton with our oldest sister's children, especially Robbie.

I'm really not sure what to say at this moment. I miss her just as much as I did a year ago. While my emotions are not going through the shock that they did back then, the loneliness for her is always going to be with me. I'm not the most social guy in the world. I have a hard enough time letting people in as it is. However, when I make connections they are rock solid. Having to accept that one of my top people in the whole universe is gone leaves a huge hole in my life.

I didn't mean for this post to be about me. Bonnie, I hope that you are having the time of your afterlife. I mean that. I have thought hard about those last months of your life and what you went through. As much as we all thought that the help you were getting was working, I'm beginning to think that we sent you off to some fancy prison. You died and they got $60,000 dollars richer. Rehab just made your financial situation all the worse when you got out. Your job was laying down ultimatums and your therapists told us to not contact you. Talk about your classic cluster fucks. Who could succeed, given all of this?

I don't blame you. There are some people that I think didn't do their jobs, but I just wish you were here and healthy. I am grown up enough to know that you have moved on ahead of me. I will get on with my life down here. Till we meet again, sis, love you forever.

Nude beginnings

We all came into this earth nude. Some of you may be nude right now. Why is that? Do you like me in that sort of way? Come on, you can tell me.

I have been wondering, what if Willy Wonka and Chewbacca had a baby? I think it would be bad for the chocolate factory, but maybe they could start a traveling family band, like the DiFrancos or Cowsills. I'm assuming that Willy Wonka is a woman. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Well, no, it doesn't make sense. Just humor me as always.

Have you ever been distracted by a Christmas tree? It's just a simple question. Don't get mad at me. I'm just really concerned that our lives may be in danger here. Accidents happen, you know.

You get only three funny paragraphs tonight. Sorry.

I wanted to thank all of you for your support during Performance Week. I still have one more clip left to share, but I am saving it for later. I have learned that too much of me isn't always a good thing. So I am showing some restraint, despite my need for attention. I am like a plant, people. Talking to me helps me grow. Also, it is not nice to use my planter as a urinal or to confuse me with a coat rack...unless you are into that sort of thing, which I'm not.

Nighty morning noon!

Performance week continues: A double header!!!

Performance week continues with a double feature performance by yours truly, Grunt. First off, I was asked by Rawbean in the last post comments what my influences are and my answer is simple: Jesus. Well, it is hard to nail that one down, but what I listen to doesn't always show up in my own music. Bob Dylan, Beatles, and Neil Young are givens, but guys like Jonathan Richman, Chris Bell, Robyn Hitchcock, Nick Drake, Gordon Lightfoot, Todd Rundgren, and Gram Parsons are definitely high on the list of things that I find creeping into my thoughts when writing songs. I'm leaving out a ton here, but this is what came to mind.

The first song "Losing It Again (For The First Time)" is one that came to me when I was mowing a lawn back in 2006. I had a strong creative streak that spanned from 2002-2007, especially in the middle. Anyway, the chorus came to me first and the rest just fell out of the sky when I went to record it. What is it about? Well, the concept is fairly clear and is about rediscovery. The story must of came from Satan. Yep.

The second song is "Words". This was another song that was written fairly close to the previous song. My rhythm hand is anxious on purpose because the mood should not be regretful, rather, it should be worried. The song and lyrics are like a nagging thought that has no resolution.

Oh, one more thing, I got to use a "star wipe" for the transition between clips. My life is now complete. Enjoy!

Performance week: You asked for it...sort of.

So, you are getting more clips of me howling and such. I like self defecating humor...uh, depreciating. Anyway, I've just been using my laptop's camera to record these clips, so getting the right mixture of guitar and vocals has been difficult. In this clip the guitar is way quiet and the vocals can be heard clearly. It's a good thing that I am not tone deaf or this would qualify as torture for all of us. Actually, getting a stronger vocal mix on this tune is more appropriate. This is a song that I wrote in the Fall of 2006 called, "Leaves Changing". This song is one that I used to sing a lot by myself when I was going through chemo the following year. I think when you listen to the song you will be able to understand why.

Grunt performs for you

So here it is, finally, right when it was the least requested: a performance by me, Grunt! I've posted some here and there about guitars, writing songs, and recording. I've also put up short clips of me demonstrating some of my guitars, but never have I posted any performances...until now. Why now? Because I have only about five readers max now. I figure that the collateral embarrassment will be minimal, so what the frock, eh?

The song I chose to perform was "Got Bad Luck". I wrote this little throwback-style ditty back in 2002 abouts. I've done quite a few versions of this song over the years. However, this version is closest to the first incarnation, since it is only me and my guitar and not recorded using multi-track devices. Old artists from the '50s, like Buddy Holly and Jimmy Donely, were in my mind at the time that this all came together. Enjoy!

Halloween is over

Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays. Did you know that it was the Irish that were primarily responsible for importing All Hallows Eve? We're all just pagans at heart, I feel, waiting for a chance to bark at the moon or some crazy shit. It's healthy, and, yes, I know that pagan's don't bark at the moon. Ed Gein would put on his best skin suit and dance in the moonlight, banging pots and howling. That's taking things a bit too far. Well, what do you expect when your mother tells you that all women are evil? Remember kiddies: syphilis, gonorrhea, and unwanted children are the wages of sin!

In other news, I have been feeling somewhat better. So many times I let myself get out of control with confronting my failings and imperfections. I do it to the point where I just don't feel right about anything at all. Sometimes it works: I get the kick in the ass that I need to change or do what needs to be done. Other times it doesn't: I really feel like a square peg crammed into a fat man's ass. Bad analogy...anal...ogy. Heh. Anyhooter, I've got to just do something different with my life instead of cursing myself for being fallible and for getting older.

It was my late sister, Bonnie's, birthday today, which made Halloween a bit more of a reverent occasion. Yeah, even on the Saturday that most kids went out, but wasn't the official day--it still reminded me of her. What I did this evening was to take my fat body on a hike up a local canyon and sit on a rock ledge for a dose of meditation. It got me thinking about the afterlife. We've all got our own ideas and beliefs about what goes on in the hereafter, but how can one really know? I think the best one can do is come to a relative conclusion based on faith, or lack thereof. The evidence in the cold, hard world would hit a dead end right after the last breath.

I have considered this at times, despite my beliefs in "cake and ice cream heaven". I guess if that were the case, then love and kindness is all the more important right now. You can't get away from the greatest commandment. Hell can reach you anywhere, while getting you nowhere at all. I've let my loss of my sister affect my state of being. This is natural, but I need to really think about what the rest of my life should be like without her around, rather than let it all unravel. I'm a lot like her in some ways and I get worried that I will self destruct as well, given the right circumstances.

I have to remember something, that I am capable of feeling great love for myself and others. This was evident in my last cancer exam that I went to earlier this month. When my oncologist and her nurse came into the room to see me and give me my report, I felt like I had done good. You could see how much happiness it gives them to have a patient do well. Really, the love that I feel for my doctors and the care that I feel from them has been one of the highest levels of love that I have ever felt. They saved my bacon. That is some serious shit. I have to remember those moments to know that my life can be about positive things and not just be a string of tragedies, depression, and loneliness. I just wish I could have realized all of this when I was young and pretty. It's a bit hard to carry out new plans when you are not a spring chicken anymore. But, hey, you know that I thrive on these kinds of odds, right? I think I shall start by doing some writing and recording again. I haven't done that in a long time. It's a start.

TIGF!!! 3 Corny jokes

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend? I just need some space.

A sheriff tells the outlaw, who's waiting at the gallows for a pardon, that he hadn't heard whether or not he would he would be hung. The outlaw replies, "Well, no noose is good news."

This guy goes to see his doctor. He says, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm invisible!" The doctor shouts, "What?"

You got any?

Compatibility issues (Mr. Drama posts again)

I could have written many different posts right now. Hell, I could have written many posts this past while if I hadn't been in an utter fog of lost purpose and emotional sterility. This post had to be the one that came out of my mental uterus before succumbing to my regularly scheduled Netflix coma tonight. I am talking about the lack of real love compatibility with any living organism other than my own self loathing. However, my relationship with myself is bound to end in divorce the way things are going. I am the silent movie version of a drama queen. Nothing said, yet only typed in a clicking whimper. What in the hell am I talking about? How the fuck should I know? I only live here too. I think the worst of it is that I am the problem: a 120V plugged into 220V. The iron has caught on fire and is burning the house down. If I could just get my own personal converter, I think I could stop this and it would be safe for someone else to take residence inside me.

This is the part where I write something to make it all better, and it might be. This just needed letting out tonight. Read with care. I appreciate my friends who have stuck with me through my journey so far.

Mmmm, donut!

This video was taken last week. I happened to be up Big Cottonwood canyon, home of Brighton and Solitude ski resorts and decided to take a shortish hike up to this place, Donut Falls. It was a bit slick climbing up to the actual donut part of the falls and my hiking boots are worn out, especially the tread. So, I had a couple of fun experiences climbing up, finding out that it was time for new boots...and panties! Five points to whomever spots the Ian Dury reference in this post.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to drive down washboard dirt roads, singing Glenn Yarbrough tunes.

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday)

Yes, it's been a very long time since I've done one of these. So, Jan Terri, she's one part Dr. Ruth, one part Estelle Costanza, with Whitney Houston aspirations. Yes, it's bad. Yes, it's funny. But damn, iffin it ain't catchy. She inspires me to make music, bad music.

Blooper Time

This is the reason everything hurts recently. Feckin' rocks. Let this be a lesson to watch where you are going, or else you too may have an effed up knee, arm, and left hand. Nothing serious. It just hurts like the dickens. Enjoy!

I'll feel you the rest of my life

It hasn't been quite a year since my sister Bonnie's death but the anniversary of certain events that led up to that untimely and tragic event have come and gone. I've had some dreams lately about my sis. The one I had recently was pretty awful to wake up from because in the dream I was experiencing an extreme joy of having found her alive. By whatever miracle that dream logic follows, my sister was there waiting for me. Somehow, in the dream, she had got lost and forgot who she was, finally remembered who she was and we found each other. I can't describe the joy that I felt. It was like something removed me right out of this miserable husk that I've been enduring ever since.

Who I am has changed. I don't know what I am anymore. I came across an old picture of my sisters surrounding me right before I was to set off for my mission to England. Bonnie was behind me on my left side caressing me. A lot of my faith came from looking at her and the way she looked at me in return. That caress and others like it were the things that kept me going. It just goes to show you how bad addiction can be that those moments a year ago between us weren't enough to turn things around. The terror in her eyes from those helpless moments is ever present in my memory. I was fool enough to want something or someone to stop it all and relieve Bonnie, my family and I of the responsibility. Someone did, but not in the way that I had wanted. I wonder if it was what she wanted.

It has been almost four years since I've written any songs. I was beginning to think that music was over for me and that dealing with the equipment end of things was my consolation prize for giving it a shot and realizing that it was all just good fun. I broke that spell this weekend. I wrote a song for my sister and sung it to her--I felt that she heard. It just about damn near killed me to actually do it and I don't think that I would ever have it in me to ever share it with anyone else. Something so personal reaches such a sacred level that it is only meant to exist in the temple of the moment.

My heart goes out to someone who knows\m/

More about corn and stuff

Just in case anybody was worried that I am a misogynist, well, towards female produce stand merchants, I will tell you what really happened. I passed by a corn stand everyday going to work this summer. It didn't matter who passed the stand, when this one girl was working it, she would try and wave at anybody and anything. She also did the hula a few times, of which I thought was funny. I would sometimes go to the stand just to see what was selling and did get samples.

This girl was nice and I did have a big BBQ that I had to get stuff for (I was part of the planning committee). So I figured that I would have a great source for all of my corn needs in this particular stand, not to mention "Fresh Corn" Girl.

The day came that I needed to buy my seven dozen ears of corn. I headed down to the stand and they weren't open. I really didn't have time to dick around waiting for them to show up. There was another stand in the town just south of where I was and headed down that way. The girl there was low key, but cute and helpful--very young, though. I got my corn cheaper by a dollar a dozen less. It was really good and sweet corn as well--a big hit at the BBQ.

The next time I saw Fresh Corn Girl, I decided to tease her a bit and told her that all of her waving at me was wasted and that I bought my corn somewhere else. She actually got a bit mad at me. I told her that I felt bad and that I would buy some melons later. Well, the joke was on me: the stand closed two days later and I never got to have Fresh Corn Girl melons. Damn, now who's gonna shuck with me?

Go ahead and point out what an idiot I am.

Toodles.