Just letting you know that I am doing well. Life is life and family issues are a source of never ending excitement.
I talked to a friend today that I haven't heard from in awhile. BTW, I did end up going on an epic hike today and my policy of taking a flashlight with me now has paid off. I was in the dark for quite some time. I will do a post about it later, with pics!
More blog pals are jumping ship lately. I feel sad about this, but that is just how it goes.
My hair has still not been cut since I was made bald from chemo. You'll get pics before I cut it.
Clyde, my truck, has finally been fixed. I have had steering problems since the beginning of the year. It started with one component seizing, then causing a chain reaction of failure throughout the whole steering system. Here is an inventory of parts replaced: right and left tie rods, drag linkage, upper and lower ball joints on both sides of the axle, front axle locking hubs, passenger side axle stub shaft u-joint, steering gear box, new front discs and pads (because I might as well do the brakes if I've gotta do the rest of that shit), and a partridge in a pear tree. So, I did all of the above repairs myself, with a little help from a friend's brother's 12-ton hydraulic press. Oh, my friend was there to make fun of me here and there. This is proof that if you want to go off road and get a bit rowdy that you have to be willing to pay the price. Let's just say that doing it myself, as much as that sucked, saved me around $1k. Oh, and I'm going to have to take it easy for awhile, or until my wallet cools down.
I've been asking people this question lately and I want to hear from you: How do you wang chung? What is wang chunging? What sort of time frame and commitment is involved in this sort of thing and how many people does it require? Is there a risk of chaffing?
Is there such a thing as pet circumcision?
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? No, why do people say that, and then upon further inspection, you find that there really aren't--that there are more songs about rainy days--yet, people still sing that damn "Rainbow Connection" with total blind faith that Kermit the Frog is not a lying sack of green shit?
Let me hear your thoughts on these.
FYI: Bigfoot is completely covered in thick hair with the exception of his genitals and crack. He likes those to be clean shaven.
So, there I was at this IHOP. The server dude kept calling me boss. It annoyed the hell out of me. I could taste the grill on the pancakes and their urinal was so brown from urine buildup that the smell made me tear up. On top of all of this it made me fatter. The kicker is that I paid over $13 for this experience. So, you tell me how the economy can be in the shitter when people still pay to eat the shit?
Don't be alarmed! I'm just having to spend my first full day of spring break at the HCI for a regularly scheduled poke and prodding. The problem is that I will be there from 8:40am till 4:30 pm going from one clinic and tests to another. I am certain that everything is fine. Like I said, this is just part of the regularly scheduled programming.
Oh, I can at least share a dirty joke with y'alls.
This dad is tired of his half-wit son, Timmy, not going anywhere with his life and figures that he just needs to get him laid for motivation. So, this dad sends his son off to the outskirts of Reno with $300 and an address to a whore house that his buddy from work gave him. We now enter the whore house.
Timmy: (Puts the money down on the barrel head) My dad gave me this many dollars for a pretty lady to turn me into a man.
The Madame: Hmmm, well, that's nice of your daddy, but my ladies aren't into tutoring little boys. Y'all got some experience?
Timmy: (Confused) Uh, I think I do. Yeah, I've had experience.
The Madame: (Skeptical) Something tells me you don't, sonny. Tell you what, there's an old sycamore tree out back with a bunch of knots and holes in it. Why don't you go out there and practice on it first.
Timmy: (Still confused) Okay!
So five minutes pass and the madame goes out to check on Timmy.
The Madame: Boy, what on earth...What have you been doing out here?
Timmy: (Proudly) Going number two!
The Madame: No, son. You've got to practice by screwing the tree (explains what screwing is). Now, I'm going to leave you out here a little bit longer until you get the hang of things.
Timmy: Okay.
This time the madame waits a couple of hours and then goes out to check on Timmy.
The Madame: So, you think you've got the hang of it yet?
Timmy: (Exhausted, yet feeling triumphant) Yep!
The Madame: You think you are ready to try it out with one of my girls?
Timmy: Uh-huh!
The Madame: Well, all right then. Let's get you in there, tiger!
The madame escorts Timmy into one of the rooms where one of her girls awaits. The madame closes the door and lets nature take its course. Three minutes pass and the madame hears her girl start screaming like crazy. She runs into the room and finds Timmy chasing the girl around the room, poking her with a broom stick.
The Madame: What in the hell do you think you're doing to that poor girl?
Otter Pops need to stop using artificial flavoring. Don't they realize that I can tell the difference between real and imitation otter flavoring?
I was at a hardware store this weekend and noticed that there is a company that makes urinals and toilets named TOTO. This got me thinking: There needs to be a toilet that plays Toto's "Africa" while it is being used. I thought about this one. I really did and I thought of other possible songs that would work on the toilet and none did. Black Sabbath's "Sweat Leaf" sort of did, in a stoner sort of way, though.
There is a need for the existence of a mythical being or creature that cleans between my toes at night and leaves money under my pillow. I call that mythical creature a wife.
Gurngh!
Update: REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" seems appropriate for the musical toilet idea.
So, there I was driving down a busy road going fifty in a forty. A Geo pulls onto the road right in front of me and slams on its brakes. This is a four-lane road with a suicide lane in the middle. I slammed on my brakes and the rear brakes lock up on me, causing me to slide sideways. The cars behind me are desperately trying to stop as well, trying not to run into me. My slide then takes me in to oncoming traffic. That is when a bit of Einstein's Theory of Relativity comes into play. Time just slowed down to nothing and my senses were sharp. My hands did this magic thing with the steering wheel and I ended up 180 degrees the other direction perfectly positioned in that middle suicide lane, where the cars behind me and the oncoming cars passed by me A-OK. Aside from feeling like I was the center of attention and suffering from extreme embarrassment, I felt incredibly lucky and drove off unharmed. All of my personal effects were thrown over to the passenger side, but, other than that, I was fine. Do you want to know why the person in the Geo stopped? Way over on the other side of the street was an old lady starting to cross the road--there isn't a cross walk at that point. So, being nice trumps other people's safety. I hope emotion does not triumph over logic on the road, ever.
Nothing much to say. It has been cold and snowy around here and I'm freaking out. My finger feels like it has a toothache. The highlight of my day was musing upon my turkey avocado on rye sandwich. Damn tasty, it was. Make a fine Jedi lunch, it would have. I've been watching an old French documentary called Blood of the Beasts. Check it out if you like watching a draft horse get dropped by a captive bolt gun, oh, and the slaughter of calves is just the ticket for those needing some extra motivation to eat less meat. My new favorite weapon of niche destruction is now the English Axe. I think might be on youtube.
I like taking titles from classic movies and screwing with them.
Clyde might get a new paint job this summer. I'm seeing if it is in the budget and how much of the work I want to take on myself.
An ATV ate my right index finger this weekend.
The bully at work is now afraid to talk to me.
I saw I Love You Man this weekend and parts of it were so true that it was Spinal Tap scary. It makes me wonder what my friend's spouses really think of me.
My mom's surgery was a success. I spent over twelve hours in a place that used to make me throw up. Fun. I got some laughs out of the day, though. My mom forgot to tie the back of her gown and bared her ass at a bunch of people. I started yelling, "Nurse, come help my mother cover up." Another moment of fun came when the head nurse was talking to us and he said, "The surgeon will be in soon to go over the nuts and bolts of everything." I then replied, "Hey, I didn't know that nuts were involved in a hysterectomy." The nurse and his assistant did not laugh. My mom did, however.
On Monday I got into an ugly confrontation with a co-worker in the parking lot. He was supposed to be covering for me last week and basically did nothing. Some people were not aware that I was off doing other things and thought I had stopped doing my job well. I gathered up some facts and told my superiors about what happened. Well, one of my bosses told the guy that I was the one who told him (basically this guy was letting his subordinate push him around and passed the buck to me). Well, this fellow, who is quite a bit bigger than me, comes at me in the parking lot, saying that I am turning everyone against him and that I am trying to get him fired. I felt like he was trying to bully me, well, he was. Anyway, I am a nice guy until you back me into a corner. People's first impression of me is that I wouldn't stand up for myself or face off with someone. Well, they are terribly wrong. I don't like to get mixed up in this kind of shit, but when it does happen, I don't fool around. I held my ground, laid out the facts to this guy, and then told him to step it up or get the hell out. He took a step at me, did this weird, nervous laugh, then got in his car when I wouldn't back down. He called our boss about five minutes later and started talking shit about me, yelling at our boss, and basically trying to bully him into getting his way on this. Today, my boss talked with our head boss about this (I was informed)and our head boss was impressed with my handling of the situation and wrote the douche bag up, effectively insuring that he will not go any further up the promotion chain. It's been a long time coming that someone finally took care of this guy and I didn't even have to lay a finger on him. Bullies aren't used to people standing up for themselves.
If you want to watch an incredibly good, but strange German film, watch Stroszeck. It has a dancing chicken, a blue-darting inmate, an armed robbery that nets a frozen turkey, a musical retard, a whore, a bunch of rednecks, and some pimps. It's not a film for everybody, that's for sure. Fun factoid: This was the last movie that Ian Curtis, of Joy Division, watched on TV just before he hung himself. Very poignant, considering the ending of the film.
Stuff. That's what you have and what happens. I could go on and on, but George Carlin has already covered all of that before and much better than I ever could. Here's some stuff that's happened.
My truck (you know him as Clyde) has, in recent months, decided that steering against the will of its driver (me) is good sport. This has led me to ponder the reasons why and unload my bank account in buying tools and parts necessary to rebuild the entire front end and steering system of my truck. Why? Because, I am obsessive. And that, folks, is why I am not married yet. The good news is that I rock and my mechanical skills prove this. I also was able to do all of this for under half of what it would have cost me to have someone else do it. The downside is that I am now officially disabled and walk with a hunch. Parts that have been secured under 120 foot lbs. of torque for over thirty years and all sorts of weather do not want to be separated. The solution is to use a bit of the good slippy sauce, a long breaker bar, and a BFH. My will and knuckles were stronger but now pay the price. The final upside is that I pissed off my neighbors and got to pound on a pickle fork really hard.
I've started finishing a lot of my "nerd" projects as well. All of those electronic effects and amplifiers that were laying about the room, providing evidence of the decline of my mental health, well, no more! I am selling off the brand name stuff that I no longer need and have fixed and the homebrew stuff will get put to use.
I will be taking my mother into surgery on Tuesday. She had precancerous polyps growing inside of her uterus. Seeing as how she has had lymphoma and breast cancers before, we are not taking any chances, and I am giving up hope of having a younger brother. She will be getting a full hysterectomy. That is right: we are taking her Def Leppard CD away from her. In all seriousness, it is a relief that the doctors have a way to take care of things before they progressed.
During my many voyages to various auto parts stores, I had some rather frustrating experiences. I went to the local Lobotozone and asked to purchase a certain tool to set the preload for my new ball joints. The dude looked at me like I was the dumb one and said, "I ain't never heard of adjusting no ball joints." The more that I explained in detail the process of proper installation and adjustment of 4x4 ball joints I realized that I had might as well been explaining to him the existence of Bigfoot. The only problem with that is that he would have then told me that Bigfoot was his mother, and I would, by his demeanor, been forced to accept that as fact. I have come to the conclusion that these employees of certain auto parts stores are just "flipping" brake pads and dropping spark plugs into the "fryer".
I think that the name "Roscoe" should make a comeback as a name for boys.
First of all, I feel like I can't reciprocate any acts of friendship on Facebook because I quickly tire of being on that site. I would rather just call you or respond to you here.
The other thing: I finally started looking around on Facebook and looking for people from my past. Big mistake. You can think that you are ok with how things have turned out in your life. You can think that you no longer have any animosity, hurt, or feelings for those people from your past. Then, you go ahead and start looking. You see them smiling. You see that they are happy. You see that their life didn't fall apart without you. In fact, they are better off without you. You also see those assholes that didn't give you two thoughts are still vacant, yet, somehow they got it and have a wonderful life. No justice as you thought was needed, or the way you thought it should happen to them. Those that ruled during high school are also doing really well now--not how it happens in the movies. The worst part is that it got to you when you looked them up. You are not as over it as you supposed you were. It makes me feel like like that odd ball misfit all over again. But then again, I am that. That's why you guys come here, right?
Of course, this is all conjecture, but the point is that it still got to me. I still can feel like I'm not included in whatever it is that "they" were in on. That really disappoints me. I think I would have been fine if it weren't for coming across a certain person. That one girl was the lynch pin. I think it is funny how you can have certainty for something that is so completely not going to ever fucking happen that it is not even funny. It has happened to me several times and I can only sit back and laugh at my folly. I am a great person to talk to, to hang out with, and to say is your friend, but somehow there is something about me that ultimately causes people to pass on. It should bother me. It does a little. But I have just come to the conclusion that I am not easily accessible on a certain level. There are not that many in this world that it would end up working out with and I get tired of that fact. There are reasons for me being on this earth. Maybe those reasons take me places that others don't want to go. I have, for the most part, accepted that. It is just that last night I had a huge moment of doubt and reflection. I wished I hadn't even crossed her path.
Of course, this post is just my way of chastising myself for allowing myself to relive past disappointments. We all go there, now and again, and it is never as bad as you make yourself to believe it to be. Going to that "place" brings about an unreliable way of perceiving past events. You project and interpret things incorrectly all to beat yourself up over something that you no longer have anything to do with. Anyway, I welcome all one-liners that refer to me as a "weeping pussy". Thank you for your time.
If aliens did instruct the ancient Egyptians on how to build the pyramids, how come they don't drop by there more often? I'm thinking summer home.
If you and I were stick figures, dots and dashes would imply various things: emotions like surprise, looking at something in particular, nipples, wieners, poo, pee, and Morse code. Right now I am ---------- at a very pretty lady in another window, which causes me to become a bit ! In fact, \!/ dots and dashes are a bit naughty.
Dot, I'll be back in a dash...I need to take a slash.
I've often wondered what the consequences of my actions will be. I've also wondered what the consequences of my in-actions would be. I've never considered what the future held for my actions until I stopped doing something. I never thought about what would happen if I did nothing while doing something. I have thought about Rambo in both cases.
God did not put me on this earth for your amusement. This is something that I kind of fell into.
Satan once said something similar: God didn't put me in hell to be the Devil....
I guess the point I am trying to make is that my depravity is contingent upon your gravity.
Have you ever replaced the tie-rods on a truck that is over thirty years old? Well, I did today and my arms are dead. Everything was rust welded together and it took everything I had, including inventing new and improved swear words, to get the old parts off. The funny thing is that taking off the old parts took forever and putting on the new parts took twenty minutes. If I were to be a mechanic for a living it would have to pay at least a six-figure salary for it to be worth my pain and suffering.
My brother bought this DVD collection of old driver's Ed videos--the really gross, violent ones. It's been a hoot watching them. I've got to hand it to the Ohio Highway Patrol, circa 1958; they make great gore flicks. It was interesting to see how little damage some of those big old cars would receive, yet the passengers would get totally mutilated by having nothing absorb the energy from the crash, as well as no seat belts. There was one scene where they were pulling this dude from a roll over and his lower half was gone. Yum!
I've been thinking about what kind of super power I'd like to have lately. I'm really thinking that being able to control odors would be awesome. I was working on a roof today and happened to stand right over a restroom ventilation exhaust. It was like mixing the smell of a witch's crotch and a homeless pirate covered in bile. I got pretty sick after that and dry heaved for a bit. Some smells are so bad in this world that I'd rather spend a day living in a dead elephant than smell those smells. The worst smells that I've encountered were houses of people that I came across in England. One house had fourteen dogs and crap was everywhere. The people living in the house didn't bathe and there was rotting food just laying about. The other worst smell was an apartment of a schizophrenic guy who kept all his urine, sperm, and feces in open buckets laying about. His name was Leo and he wrote me poetry. The last worst smell was that of an old man whose leg was gangrenous and his shin bone was visible. There were all sorts of vermin running about his place and I picked up a tray of "green", which used to be some kind of food at one time. To put all of this in perspective, I used to work as a garbage man at one time.
Steve Martin. What in the hell? I think the last funny thing he did was Bowfinger and that was just one thimble full of wet in a Sahara-sized dry spell of comedy. He used to be my comedy hero. His stand up routines were absolute genius. Now, I think the best thing that he has going for him is his banjo playing, and I don't mean that as a cut. I'm thinking that it is time for him to move on and to stop embarrassing himself and making Peter Sellers spin in his grave. But, Steve, if you are reading this, I think that a good way to revive your comedy career would be to change Leslie Nielsen's diapers on live TV, thus, killing two birds with one stone.
Your heart either swells with joy or shrinks with pain. Your body either weakens or is carried by its virtue. Your mind is always enlightened no matter how hard the truth may be.
My heart is in pain. My body is weak. My mind expands now a bit further and I understand the nature of unconditional Love's duress on the one who takes upon him another's cross a bit more.
How can it be? It is the truth that hides behind self imposed blinds that hurts the most when revealed or discovered. Love allows you to express your disappointment and hurt without imposing further debt. This is the hardest exercise, yet the simplest path towards the fullness of joy. Our lusts dare reach such heights on wax wings. Withdraw not your hand when your pride fails you. Be there for those that you love, because, it may be you having to tell the hard truth about your imperfect self sometime.
I took the above picture while hiking in a deep canyon in the Wasatch range. It's a bit out of focus. I was frightened. I could not hold my camera phone still. What are the chances that I would come across such a mythical creature in the real world? But there it was: a garden gnome roaming around in its natural habitat. I was just happy to get out of there without a shovel mark or a bearding.
Here is another rare creature: the "ghost-eyed" Yogi. This is rumored to be the ghost of a tortured circus bear, a brown bear from Russia. Apparently, the bear died from dysentery--he drank the water down in Tijuana. They say that if this bear appears before you while you are eating a taco, you will suffer from lethal diarrhea.
This is the place where bad animals and garden gnomes go when they die: to motor travel lodges along the old highway systems around the U.S., doomed to entertain and scare the shit out of lost souls who can't afford to stay in a real hotel.
Oh, and yes, that gnome is giving you the finger, the other gnomes belong to the Crips, and that baby bear is giving a hand job to the bear on the left.
Scientists need to find a way to harness the power of dog farts. This would end the energy crisis.
I asked a hypothetical question of some of my friends recently. The question was, "If clown tears cured cancer what would be the best way of collecting them?" Here were some of their answers:
Run over their floppy shoes with those little cars of theirs.
Onion goggles.
Torture.
Hide their liquor.
Tell them that they are a chicken and if they don't start producing eggs that you will start taking off toes one by one with a pair of bolt cutters.
I want to hear your suggestions.
I think everyone on my mom's side of the family has found me on Facebook. I guess my dad's side of the family is too busy getting drunk and hitting each other. I'm just happy that only one of my relatives knows about this blog.
Whatever happened to nun chucks?
I often think about the Hamburglar's motivations for stealing all those hamburgers. I don't see how he can eat them all himself. I think he is in love with Wimpy and is trying to win over his heart.
Have you ever been someone's PDA?
When you have erotic dreams involving people at work do you find it hard to look them in the eye the next day? I do.
You haven't lived until you've seen a cow eat an orange.
Squirrels are dreaming about nuts right now.
Dogs are dreaming about smelling bad things right now.
Cats are dreaming about how they are going to ignore you tomorrow.
Cow's are dreaming about winning a speed boat race and saying "Moo!" at random things.
