Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Those damn holes.  They keep getting bigger, deeper, and colder.  The holiday season makes the emptiness more profound.  I don't want to call anybody up and talk about it.  I just want it to go away.  It doesn't go away.  It just keeps getting bigger, deeper, and colder.

Maybe this is what getting older does to you.  It is inevitable to suffer loss and experience loneliness.  I see now that it isn't about having a "hole" in your life; rather, what do you do with the ones that you have.  Do you watch the edges crumble into the void all by yourself?  Do you throw those around you into your pit? Or do you build up barriers between you and your holes to stay out of them?  I say fill them full of water and go swimming, whatever the hell that means. 

I really don't know what you are supposed to do with those holes that never go away.  I'm talking about the holes or spaces left when people are taken away from you.  I know there are other types of holes, pits, and traps, but those are holes of a different nature.  Back to people, I guess I could imagine some kind of heavenly reunion and how great that would be, but then that would mean I was also dead.  I think I want to wait a good fifty years before that sort of thing happens.  So what do I do in the meantime?  

I need more good people around me.  That means opening myself to the world again.  Scary.  I didn't like the feeling when I opened myself up last time.  We remember pain too much, especially the last time we got hurt. I imagine at some point it gets better.  I'll work through this rough patch and find a way to make it better.  I need to improve at including other people into this process. 

Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving.  You Canadian have a great second Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I am tired but what the hell

I remembered that I have a blog.  It's not that I am too busy to blog.  Well, I am busy enough at certain times and other times I suppose I'm just doing nothing at all.  There's no excuse for me not blogging.  I still love all my blog buddies.  Maybe it is just me feeling lonely on a cold November night, but I felt compelled to reach out to you all once again.  There's nothing cutting edge or thought provoking going on here, just showing a little pulse is all.  I hope all is well. Anyway, let's do this and see where it goes.

I started playing my guitar more.  I mean really playing it and trying to write songs again.  Hell, it's been years since that part of me was alive.  You'd think with all the events and trials I've been through that it would have inspired me.  I need to confess: I've been fairly dead creative wise.  I literally have felt that flame die in me.  It's taken the help of some young musicians to get me even near that horse again.  Damn, it sucks to have to admit that I'm an old man now.  Hell, it may not be that I'm old, but in comparison to these dudes, yeah, old.  At least the let me feel like their cool uncle.  

This interaction in helping these young musicians has helped fill in the void that I've had going on in my soul.  I've been beat down, feeling gutless and heart broken to the point where it was just easier to deny everything and embrace nothing.  Now I'm starting to feel less shitty that way.  My hiking also has a big part to play in that.

I want to try and write something good.  I can't say that what I did before was great, musically, but some of it was at least fun and rewarding.  A good deal of it makes me cringe now, but you have to figure that for every good song you write, there are about a dozen bad ones if you are lucky.  Oftentimes, you are so attached to a bad song because of what you went through to write it--you don't want to let it go.  It makes sense at the time.  Then you give that song to someone else to listen to and see them not get it.  Man, that is a bitch!  You equate the product with your person and your feelings.  I guess I didn't want to go through that process because of the strength of the emotions I've been burying these past years.

I have no ambitions anymore with regards to music, but I want to at least have it be back into my life to where I'm being creative again. I can impart my knowledge of the gear and some of what I learned about recording to these younger guys, and in return they help me feel somewhat relevant and useful.  

That'll do for now.