Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!

Tis the season where parents willingly let their children sit on some strange dude's lap. Enjoy!

I've actually been on the injured list and have been taking it easy. I threw my back out. Bleh. I wish I was more inspired at the moment. Well, have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Monday, December 20, 2010

The sun casts no shadow

I thought I'd try posting in-between sleeping, getting up, then going back to sleep. How's it going so far?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Understated overindulgences

I often wonder about why people hop on morality issues without actually checking shit out, and checking themselves. I think some people just want to be in on a crusade without using any critical thinking. Science proves that it is much more fun that way.

My state has finally got In'N'Out Burger this last year. The California chain is very welcome here and is usually crazy with patrons. So, my point in bringing this up is that I thought that it would be fun to do a chain restaurant mash up. You could take, for instance, In'N'Out Burger and Outback Steakhouse and get "In'N'Outback". Fun, huh? I will try this once more by mashing up In'N'Out Burger with Texas Roadhouse: "In'N'Out House". Something tells me that people would not eat there.

There's nothing like a good toe stubbing for coming up with new swearwords. This weekend I came up with "FUHCRAPASONASHITOSHITS!" I guess it was more of a creative combination. It isn't a swear word, but it is kind of dirty: "Roikle" is one that I made up once. Roikled (verb) means "To feel horny whilst being frustrated by an unrelated set of circumstances". You should try to out do me without using any critical thinking. Again, science proves that it is more fun that way.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Dropping in

Life: One moment you are staring at your feet while taking a crap, the next minute you find yourself actually carrying out what it was that was troubling you on the shitter. I'm not afraid to admit that my thinker works best on the stinker. I also do my best reading on the turrlet. I formed quite a bond with Holden Caufield while reading "The Catcher in the Rye". You know what the funny thing about me and that book is? I was told that the reason that the book was controversial was that it had a part about masturbation in it. This is really great because it doesn't. There's really nothing that controversial except swearing in it, swearing that was controversial in the '50s! So, the concerned individual was either high on Jesus weed or never read the book but was relying on the high moral ground of hearsay. The fact that I read some of this book while defecating makes this all the sweeter.

Yeah, this post definitely went places...weird places.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Gorbulon's Fairy Repellant

I'm pretty sure those combination of words in the post's title have never been put together. I just thought I'd share that with you.

Nordic foot hors d'oeuvres.

I went to the dentist the other day. The hygienist was scraping away at my teeth and her stomach started growling really loud. This kept happening and I was having a real hard time keeping it together. I wanted to laugh so hard that it was becoming torture. This really made me wonder what was going through her mind during all of that. I'm just grateful that she didn't fart. It wouldn't be the smell, so much as how I would just completely lose it and run out laughing.

Mindless chowdering.

I was listening to the radio while driving around and this commercial starts, "Do you want to please your dog?" I was starting to think that this was a Jiff commercial, then the next line goes, "Well, get him a new water dish for Christmas!" Really? Dogs celebrate Christmas??? This will please him? What if your dog is a bitch? Let's not be sexist here, people. I think all a dog needs is a good master and a decent carpet for butt drag racing. Dog's practice coprophilia for crying out loud! What in the hell do you think their reaction to a new water dish, aside from being able to drink out of it, will be? Maybe I just am not in touch with my inner Barfy. One thing I do know for sure, black labs celebrate Kwanzaa. So be sensitive, folks.

Diagnose agnostic frosting.

I was thinking of sending out wedding announcements of me and myself photoshopped together for time and all eternity. If I were a polygamist, then it would be me, myself, and I. This would most certainly help my social standing around here.

Suffer mother's underpants.

You know what? People in the olden days used to fear gods and try to appease them in order to make their crops grow. They were especially on edge when things were tough, and worshiped their gods with evermore fervor. They would tip-toe around, so as not to piss of the deities. This sounds an awful lot like the workplace, especially now. Just replace the gods with management or whoever your supervisor, or supervisor's supervisor is. That's right, kiddies, worship your Good Old Desk! Thanks for that one, Harry.

Did I just end this post on a bummer? Yeah. Well, how about one more nonsense word combination to cheer you up? Ok.

Hover monkey!!!