The healing begins...
If you are part of the growing homeless population, never fear, there is hope. You may think that you are jobless and without hope for a bright future, but you can join the ranks of "independent", self-employed/appointed toll booth operators of our nations highway off ramps. Yes, it can be you, the guilt-inducing village idiot, that comes up to my car and demands funds for your unfortunate circumstances. It has become such that when getting on the highway that I would rather drive to the middle of Death Valley and start selling beef jerky from a trailer just to get away from you. I must tell you a story that happened to me today. I was in this situation and I gave the man a few bucks only to have him come back to my truck and demand more money. When I didn't give him any more money, he started cussing at me. Yay! Charity is fun.
Being the youngest, I am handed the scraps of my deceased sister's estate. I am okay with this. My oldest sister gets a fairly nice car and I get...shampoo. However, this is no ordinary shampoo, folks. No, this is vegan shampoo. Even better, it is vegan shampoo that gives your hair more body! This sounds a bit paradoxical: going vegan usually involves losing body. But hey, I'm open minded and went ahead and tried it. The first day seemed to go well enough. My hair smelled better--they say that vegans do--and I did have a rather shiny coat of fur atop my noggin. It was after day three that things got a little strange. I woke up and found a whole pile of spare rib bones on my pillow. I think my hair is trying to tell me something.
I was angered the other day by somebody referring to my sister as being a "drunk". It was then that a rather strange thought came to my mind: I am going to get a time machine and punch you in the face two days ago, you ponce! I have no idea what going back in time would actually do, so I thought this was a bit silly. Then I was cut off by some douche bag on the highway and I said it this time, "I am going to get a time machine and punch you in the face two days ago, peckerwood!" It was then that I realized that if I punched them in the present it would be a little too on the nose, no pun intended. If I came up to them two days earlier and said that I had a message from the future (I'd wear a space suit disguise or something) then punched them, then they would be mystified and shit their pants. It would just be great fun to use a time machine for such senseless purposes. I guess I wouldn't need a time machine to wear a space suit and punch people. It probably has the same effect from their point of view.
I have come to the conclusion that Bigfoot is just a ghost wearing a fur coat.
3 years ago